Weekends at Ikea are one of my favorite shopping experiences. Really! Friends always express their sympathy when hearing of a weekend trip to Ikea, as if they personally feel your pain at having to deal with the crowds and lines. I have never understood this perception of Ikea, but the truth is, I am not quite like everyone else. For me, Busy days at Ikea are bliss to be treasured. “What the Fuck?” you must be asking yourself by now. This woman truly is not normal. I do see the world through a different set of lenses, to be sure, but my dear Robert indulges it all.
How to explain my love of Ikea? Ikea is simply filled to the brim on a weekend with well-groomed, well-dressed, metropolitan gay men, and I love them each and every one! More gay men on a Sunday at Ikea than in a gay bar on a Saturday night. Robert always says I am just a gay man in a woman’s body, and I believe he may be right. Another reason Robert is so perfect for me, because he appreciates the men as much as I do. Two peas in a pod, he likes to say. So, I am not bothered in the least by lines and crowds, as he and I amble through Ikea taking in all the gayness Dublin has to offer.
Overhearing the conversations of gay couples, a burning question forms in my mind, which needs a definitive answer. I pose this question to Robert, my expert on all things pertaining to men, and gay men especially, as Robert knows all!
“Why do so many gay men lisp? What’s up with that?”
Robert looks at me as if I really am a clueless child. “My God, isn’t it obvious? It’s because they suck so much cock!”
“Hold on. I am totally confused”, I counter, “because I suck a lot of cock, Baby, and there ain’t no lissspin goin on here.”
Thus begins our conversation about the difference in how men and women suck cock. I’m sure lots of conversations at Ikea are quite similar, right?
Robert enlightens me (simultaneously giving me a Sexual Inferiority Complex) that men suck cock like high-powered hoovers, while women lack the strength to achieve this feat and mostly rely on their tongue technique. So much effort placed into power suction can develop a lisp, just like sucking on a bottle or pacifier for too long can affect your teeth. The man knows of what he speaks, and having shared quite a few cocks with him, I can tell you that his technique has real power behind it and is to be admired. This is such a revelation to me, that I stare slack jawed at all the men anew with awe and inspiration.
I now have a newfound respect for gay lispers that didn’t exist before. They are power-suckers, and I never knew it. It’s a secret club that I wish to join, and I’m determined to qualify for its’ membership. So if you ever see me out and about in Dublin and hear a newly developed lisp, congratulate me on the fruitssss of my labor!
What tricks can you teach the guys?
The new Novella: Femme Fatale: Slave to My Nature Series